I have had this question come up several times in the last few weeks.
Mostly people want to know how much they should say, what they should disclose, etc. My answer is – everything!
The reality is, with background checks, criminal finger printing, and various other reports and checks that the agency runs, they’re going to find out anyway, so be up front. If it appears that you are trying to hide something it could go badly for you.
I am very open about the fact that we have been through an abuse investigation. When an agency orders a copy of our file from social services, it’s going to be in there. It’s better that I tell them up front so they are not shocked by this.
The other issue is that my husband is an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT). When his EMT job requires him to have police contact, whether it’s through a car accident they are working, a deceased patient, or other incident, it is recorded on his police record. The first time we saw this and tried to figure out why he had so much police contact, it baffled us. Slowly the pieces fell into place and it was fine. Now I warn an agency that my husband is an EMT and has police contact therefore his record will be quite long. This prevents them from wondering what is going on when they print out a five or six page police record.
Lastly we have had numerous police visits to our home because of Sammy’s violence, property damage and theft. I disclose this as well. These show up on our police background check as well as the fact that the agency will want to get a copy of his file to see what has been done as far as services.
Many people are afraid if they disclose things that their home study will not be approved. It is a rational fear. However, if you tell the agency what they can expect it will be better for you. If you have had things like a drunk driving ticket, been through marriage counseling, have a child who has had law violations or various other things, let the worker know up front.
Most things will not be a big deal, especially if they are several years in your past. There may be other things that the agency will ask you to do. If you have a history of drunk driving tickets, or you have a ticket that is not very old, you may be asked to have an “alcohol assessment” done, but it will not necessarily hinder you from adopting.
There is the perception that you must be a “perfect” parent or couple in order to adopt. This is simply not true. Normal every day people are adoptive parents. We all have things in our lives that we wish we had done differently. Chances are your worker does too.
The other thing to be honest about is your child hood. If you came from an abusive home yourself your worker will not automatically assume that you are going to become a child abuser. You may spend additional time talking about parenting techniques skills, but it will not prevent you from adopting.
If you have any questions about disclosing something, it is better to err on the side of caution and disclose it. It is easier to explain the circumstances than to explain why you didn’t tell your agency about it.